How I came to the end of myself...

Ya know, there are times I look back with regret on the years I wasted, but there is also something about coming to the end of yourself that solidifies a no looking back mentality.  Here's how it happened for me.

Jeff and I were married our senior year of college.  I loved him fully and completely.  Our early years were good, yet now I see we just lived for ourselves.  We both worked full time and spent all our money and time on ourselves.  We "attended" a church in town, but I'm sure they didn't know we attended since we looked for any small excuse not to go.

The years of growing up in Christian homes gave us a spiritual foundation, but because we didn't continue it in our own lives, we became spiritually bankrupt.  After the birth of our first son, things began it deteriorate quickly.  Newborns can cause additional stress and bring an already fragile relationship to a breaking point.  I remember trying so hard to be nice when Jeff got home, but it seemed every conversation ended in an argument and we just weren't like that!  We never argued before, never.  We were great friends, so this made it all the more difficult since I felt like I was losing my best friend and my husband.  The month Zach was born, Jeff took a job at a new company.  In his desire to climb the corporate ladder, he started going to happy hour.  I completely supported him and thought it was a great way to earn more money.  Jeff is an all or nothing kind of guy.  He's either fully in or fully out.  I could see the pull on him.  I remember him saying he struggled with alcohol in high school, but we never drank as a couple.  He began spending more nights out with the guys.  It hurt.  I was losing my best friend.  I started to withdraw and harden my heart to him.  I'm sure that's why it was so difficult to be nice.  In my mind, I began thinking about how I was going to support my son and I by myself.

All the while, I would keep up a good appearance to my family and try to portray that everything was fine. Funny thing about parents, they know the truth.  They kept bringing over books for us to read.  Later, my Mom said, she came over and saw all those books stacked up on our mantle that they had given us and wondered if she should stop.  It was one of those books, A Heart Ablaze, that Jeff pulled off the mantle in December 2000 that began a change in our lives.

He came home from a business trip and something was different.  He said we were going to go to church.  I knew he needed it, but I didn't realize how much I needed it too.  That next week, we went to church and then enrolled in a discipleship class at the church.  There was one class for the ladies and a separate one for the men.  My parents worked at the church where we attended the class, so it was a little awkward for me, but Jeff just broke immediately and I could see the change was instant.  Like I said, he's either fully in or fully out and he had truly come to his end.  I remember seeing him go down for every altar call, glad he was getting the help he needed.

In farming, they say drought stricken land cannot absorb water from a torrential downpour because the ground is too hard.  It needs to be softened first.  I think that's what happened to me during the 12 week course.  As I continued to attend each week and read the assigned books, I was getting watered and softened.  I cannot tell you when exactly it happened, but I broke.  All the years of striving on my own, not wanting to fully surrender my life to the Lord because I was afraid he'd ask me to do something I didn't want to do or that I'd change into someone I didn't want to be, were over.   I came to my end.

Now I wonder why I waited so long. He is the most loving, caring Father and one who only has my well being in mind.  Sure, there were things I had to adjust, and some things were a little more painful to lay down, but in the end I am a better person for it.  I'm still in process, everyone is.

We are going into our 12th year of living completely surrendered to the Lord.  There have been some ebb and flow times, when I have to shake myself spiritually and commit to more time with the Lord, reading and memorizing His word.  A quick glance in the rearview mirror of my life, like writing this post, makes me all the more thankful for His faithfulness and renews my resolve to finish strong.