Marriage Secret - An End to "Firsts"

After we had been married a few years I saw an episode of Mad About You.  Do you remember that show?  It wasn't one I watched regularly, but I caught this particular episode.  Helen Hunt's character was freaking out because now that she was married she realized she would now longer experience any more "firsts" in a relationship.  First time to hold hands, first date, first kiss, first everything.  That can be a very exciting time in a relationship.  Everything is new and unknown.  Well, it kinda scared me.

If you'll remember from a previous post, I hadn't been a relationship longer than three months before I met Jeff.  Would he get tired of me?  Would I get tired of him?  Would we get tired of each other and our lives together and long for that excitement found in the beginning of our relationship?

I really pondered it and it bugged me for a little bit.  I think it stayed in the back of my mind for a few years until after we got our lives turned around eight years into our marriage.  We had been through an awful lot together, some not so great things, but that's for another post.  By this point, we had laid everything bare before each other.  He knew everything about me and I knew everything about him.  We had worked through a lot and during our time of spiritual growth in the Lord we became very intimate. What do I mean?

Well, you can be physically intimate with anyone.  It's not hard, but to bare your soul to another human being is another thing.  When you pray together, you see your spouse's heart, you hear their deepest desires, you begin to know the essence of who they are.   There becomes a level of spiritual intimacy that is far greater than physical intimacy.  Everything becomes more alive in your relationship.  Physical intimacy becomes heightened, conflicts are reduced, and the sense of fulfillment from your marital relationship is increased.

So, do I miss those "firsts"? No, not at all!  That excitement pales in comparison to the joy I have with Jeff right now.   I never tire of his company and conversation, his witty humor, and quirky ways, or those beautiful blue eyes when he looks at me.

So, don't fret over longevity in a relationship.  Continue to grow in your relationship with the Lord and with each other and it will never be boring!

Marriage Secret - How Do You Know That You Know?

In one week Jeff and I will celebrate our 20th wedding anniversary.  Wow!  I definitely don't feel old enough to be saying that!!

I thought I'd take the next week to share some things that have helped us over the years.  I'm no expert by any means and I'm sure in 10 years I might look back this and laugh, but sometimes it's good to reflect on what has worked and what hasn't.  

So with that in mind, today I'll share about How do you know that you know?

Before I met Jeff, I hadn't dated anyone longer than three months.  I don't know, that just seemed to be the magical time frame to know if the relationship was marriage worthy.  The initial excitement of the relationship had worn off and now the faults were beginning to show - theirs and mine.  I dated one guy in college that, at the time, I thought I loved.  I was so sad when I ended it.  He had a wandering eye.  I knew it, but I had wished and prayed that he was the one.  Oh, I am so thankful now for UN-answered prayers.  Can I get an AMEN??!!!  Sometimes we just need a little distance and time from a relationship to know God has a better plan! 

I met Jeff the first day of an Advanced TV course at Oral Roberts University.  Class had already started and he walked in a little late because he had been running camera at chapel.  I will always remember the first time I saw him.  I remember distinctly thinking, "Hmm, I'd like to get to know him."  Well, we did get to know each other.  He was my lighting director on a class project I had to direct.  He was charming, irritatingly funny, and unavailable.  He was dating someone long distance.  It was wonderful really, because we were just friends.  Friends that flirted, of course, but still just friends.  We hung out in groups of others friends and worked together that summer.  He eventually broke off things with the other girl.  There's that dance you do with someone you're interested in.  You want them to know you like them, but you don't want to be the first one to say something.  I tried to give so many hints, nothing worked, until his friend came for a visit and saw the way we interacted with each other.  He said, "Dude, that girl likes you,"  Finally, thank you!  We started officially dating.  By that time, things between us were very easy.  We knew each other as friends first, so there were no awkward times.  That three month marker passed and I just knew he was the one.  Young people ask me how I knew that Jeff was the one.  I just knew that I knew.  If you don't know that you know that someone is right for you, well, then you just don't know.  Simple, but true.  

There are some natural indictors.  I'll give you a few...

1.  You have a peace down deep that they are the one.  No one has to convince you.  You don't have to convince yourself.  Some would caution that peace can also be denial, so continue down this list to see if your feeling is true or just self-deception.

2.  Do you have a list of what you are believing for in a spouse?  How does that person line up with that list?  Are you compromising on core issues?  There should be some non-negotiable items that you don't compromise on.  Core beliefs.  Mine were that he would be a born-again, spirit-fillled Christian, with the same conservative values I had.  I also wanted tall (that's very important when you're a 5'10" lady), dark hair, blue eyes, and a good sense of humor.   If he had blond hair and brown eyes, I'm sure I would have still married him!  

3.  You share the same passions in life.  Do you love the idea of missions and he would never consider going on missions? - red flag.   Do you want children and he is adamant about no children? - red flag.  Are you a Republican and him a Democrat? - red flag!  Those are core issues and you would be a house divided and a divided house will not stand.  I've heard the saying, opposites attract, but I've also heard opposites attract and then they attack. 

4.  Typically your family will approve of your choice and embrace him.  This is not always the case, depending on the spiritual condition of your family, but in a normal family your parents know you.  They raised you and know the type of man that would compliment your personality and make a good match.  I brought home several young men, and although they were friendly to them all, they embraced Jeff like a son.  They knew he was the one.  

5.  Typically your friends will be excited for you too.  Now I caution you on this one because I had a friend who didn't like Jeff.  I'm not sure why, but they didn't and they didn't treat him with kindness.  I'm not sure if it was jealousy or what, but I actually had to cut off my relationship with that person because they just couldn't accept him.  They were the exception, everyone else was excited for us.  Take some people's opinion with a grain of salt or consider the source.  The scripture in Proverbs 11:14 comes to mind, "There is safety in a multitude of counselors."   

I believe marriage is a lifetime commitment and a decision not to be taken lightly.  Can you see yourself living with this person for your entire life?  Do you enjoy spending time with this person?  Do you have similar views on life, money, and conflict resolution?

I pray you find your God match.  Life's so much fun with the right person to "do" life with!